How to Throw a Proper Pity Party A step-by-step guide (for myself, and you, if you want it)

Pity Party by Dani Alvarez | Pyragraph

Illustration by Dani Alvarez.

This was originally published at how to be what you want and is posted here with kind permission.


A step-by-step guide (for myself, and you, if you want it)

  1. Don’t clean anything. Filth is your VIP guest. Treat him right.
  2. Buy a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. No later than 4pm, eat only ¾ of the pint, but then be sure to eat five cookies coated in Nutella to make up for those extra 25% of the calories you left behind.
  3. Buy some balloons, fill them with your gaseous loathing and self-doubt.
  4. Do not change out of the outfit you slept in. If you don’t wear pants to bed, put on some really baggy sweatpants, or your shortest shorts that you won’t wear outside, and then get back into your bed, with your ice cream.
  5. Invite all of your closest friends: self-hater, insecure asshat, lazy crunchy son-of-a-b, the never-ending tears, and don’t forget the stupid snacky monster.
  6. Say fuck the Pity Party. Skip steps 1, 4 and 5. Replace 3 with helium balloons, and get out of your stupid, too soft, bed. Pity parties are a fucking bore for everyone; no one wants your smelly complaints to stain their Saturday, and more importantly, you are an interesting human who should be gracing people with her presence, not hiding in your hole of an apartment. You will feel better once your skin has touched fresh air, once your lips have sipped iced coffee, once your ears hear more than just the humming of your computer vent below a show you can watch later, when you’re not working on being your better self.

You can still eat ice cream though, I’ll give you that one.

Dani Alvarez

About Dani Alvarez

Dani is a person who lives in New York. She likes to draw things with pens and eats a lot of peanut butter. Check out her website if you want, or follow her sporadic blog presence.

Leave a Reply