Got questions for Little Bobby? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Little Bobby,
Aside from skydiving, is there anything that you recommend we do or try to do before this new idiot president blows up the world? Asking for a friend.
—Feeling Pessimistic In The USA
Dear Feeling Pessimistic,
If I remember incorrectly, “Feeling Pessimistic In The USA” was the first Bruce Springsteen song that I ever heard and…I hated it. But I have become a fan of The Boss as I have gotten older. As far as the orange idiot blowing up the world goes, yes my friend, go do stuff. Do lots of stuff. For example, right now I am listening to Queen’s 1978 track “Get Down Make Love” and I recommend it. That is, I suggest listening to a lot of good music AND having lots of sex in addition to getting involved politically and STAYING involved.
Please do not use this stolen election as an excuse to do, or not do anything.
Are there any sexual fantasies that you want to explore? How about role-playing? How about acting out the fantasies that you only dreamed of during “The Before Time” (which is how I think we will soon be referring to everything that happened prior to January 20, 2017)? During “The Before Time” I was more hesitant to undertake a new adventure as compared to now in the Trumpland of our orange fuhrer. But you and I should do things because we WANT to do them, not because the world might blow up.
On the one hand, having this orange sex offender in the White House does not bode well for anyone who was hoping to enter the 2020s by moving to Denver to start a new openly gay, pot-smoking life with their same-sex immigrant partner. On the contrary, this new administration is going to be an enormous obstacle to people who want to explore everything from sexuality to the arts, or to those of us who want to have any kind of original thought at all.
This orange millionaire espouses fascism which, by its very nature, is opposed to original thinking. That reason alone is enough to make me want to explore more. The more we follow what is in our hearts, instead of following who we are told to follow, the more likely it is that the human race will survive the next four years. I will admit that “surviving” is a pretty low bar to have for humanity. But let us be honest, the way our government is mistreating us, as well as our environment, makes me want to be pessimistic too, but I have an ace up my sleeve, and that is my girlfriend—actually, she is my fiancée. Simply put, she makes EVERYTHING better.
I am not going to tell you that the world is ending therefore you should go jump into a relationship, get engaged, etc., but for me, being in a relationship IS a new adventure. I was single for 14 years because I was afraid of commitment. Plain and simple. For many years, the thought of getting engaged was actually SCARIER to me than jumping out of a plane. We each have our own fears. But after meeting my girlfriend and falling in love with her, I was already considering asking her to marry me. Then immediately after the election I got depressed and angry. Actually, I was VERY depressed (briefly) and VERY angry. Many of us were. It was similar to how I felt when George “The Village Idiot from Texas” Bush stole his first election, and then again after he illegally invaded a country. So I knew the feeling, but this time was worse, because again, if we are honest, this orange idiot is clearly more dangerous than Dubya.
However, this time around, my girlfriend helped me deal with this very real and very deep sadness and anger. Soon after, I KNEW that I wanted to marry her, and that now was far better than “maybe sometime in the future.” By December even my girlfriend was reacting to this stolen election by being more adventurous, which reinforced me knowing that I want to spend my life with her. We began exploring more and more. Everything from sex and our emotions to traveling—things which I knew were a better direction for me than just reacting with my anger. She has a way of being amazing and positive. And I realized that no matter who was president, I would be foolish to not devote myself to her. If the election had not been stolen, I would have proposed to her anyway, out of pure joy.
Please do not use this stolen election as an excuse to do, or not do anything. If you want to skydive, then do it because you want to. If you want to donate all of you belongings and live in the woods, then do THAT because you want to. Whatever your desires happen to be, try to follow them with love in your heart. Just do not start binge drinking, and eating junk food while blaming those poor decisions on the sex offender in the White House. Life is short.
—Little Bobby Tucker
“Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped, look at that low plane, fine, then uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself, world serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed.” —R.E.M., “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” 1987