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Dear Little Bobby,
My boyfriend and I text each other sexy things throughout the day, like how much he wants me, how horny he is, what he is going to do to me after work, etc. We get really excited and worked up, but by the time I get home from work sometimes his mood has changed and I find him upset about his job, our gross fake president, traffic, finances or whatever. Instead of intimate time, I find myself cleaning the house to avoid him. When this happens I get upset at him for teasing me, for having to deal with his mood and I feel neglected. How can I fix this?
—Tired of Being Teased
Dear Tired of Being Teased,
First things first: Have you spoken to him about this? I understand why you would want to avoid him after he leads you on and then does a complete 180. People who are angry, whether it is full-blown rage or just being grumpy, are no fun to be around, especially if you have spent the afternoon getting worked up for a good time. Avoid him if you want to, but I hope that you do it after you tell him about your frustration—both the sexual aspect of it, and the emotional part of feeling led on.
It sounds like this happens too often for your taste. Of course situations can evolve during the day; moods change and things happen in the world that would turn off anyone watching the news no matter how sexually charged they are as a person. He might even come down with the classic “headache,” but whatever his reasons or excuses are, he sure as hell better be communicating those reasons to you and not just sitting on the couch pouting when you get home. If that is what he does, it sounds like you are dating a boy, not a man.
We are not bad people because we stop calling our congressperson long enough to enjoy having sex with our partner.
Either way, it is your job to be clear with him that this is happening too often. If you do actually love him, tell him that. Tell him that when he is unhappy it affects you as well. Tell him that his change in mood leaves you feeling sexually frustrated. Tell him that you feel neglected and that is not okay. And tell him that you would appreciate it if he was as concerned with your needs as he is with traffic, finances and politics.
Again, if you love him and you want this relationship to work, tell him THAT, and that you want to help him. I know lots of happy couples (and singles) that can vouch for the healing and restorative power of a healthy sex life. Nothing makes me temporarily forget about Donald Trump’s disgusting treatment of immigrants quite like a quick and amazing fuck. Afterwards, I feel much better and I can more easily move forward with resisting and fighting the fascist orange sex offender living in our White House. It does not mean that we are bad people because we stop calling our congressperson long enough to enjoy having sex with our partner.
This sexual therapy can be applied to other situations too like trouble at our workplace or stress over finances. However, if someone’s job consistently interferes with their sex life, home and/or family life, maybe they should investigate getting another job. If this is not feasible, or if they love their high-stress job, then out of respect for their relationships at home, this person should really face what their stress does to the people they care about. And they should make a sincere effort to mitigate that stress.
If your boyfriend is not interested in managing his stress that says a lot about his priorities. If I were you, the next time that he begins texting me how horny he is or that he will be in the mood later, I do not think I would feed into it. You could respond with “You want me after work? Many times you say you do, then you don’t.” I am not for playing games. Games are for children and there is nothing sexy about that. Instead of playing a game, tell him the truth. Even if it is difficult. If you do not address this, and if he does not address this, then your resentment about it will continue to grow and your relationship will suffer as a result. Take care and let me know if I can be of further assistance.
—Little Bobby Tucker
“Get it on, bang a gong, get it on” —T. Rex, “Get It On” 1971