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Five Reasons You Aren’t Famous

“I coulda been the next Harmony Korine.”

We all have big dreams, but all too often they get lost or forgotten. Why is that? Here are some of the most obvious reasons you aren’t famous.

1. You’re Too Lazy

Remember when your mom made you practice piano two hours every day after school? Or when your track coach insisted you train until you could run a five-minute mile? Well, it turns out that unless someone is forcing you to improve yourself, you really don’t have much interest in it. You keep telling yourself to exercise, to practice guitar, to hit the books, and so on, but then you remember that a new episode of “Breaking Bad” is on. You say you’ll do that thing tomorrow; self-improvement is right around the corner, right? Right.

2. You’re Easily Distracted

It was bad enough in the ’60s, with all that weed and music and revolution, but now we have the internet, cable television, and texting! Staying focused on any single task or goal is nearly impossible. How much time did Michael Jordan spend looking up Disney porn while winning six championships with the Bulls? I’m guessing a lot less than you did last weekend. If you want to excel, you have to put in the time and effort, and ignore all other diversions. The one good thing is that…well, I can’t remember. Nevermind.

3. Pretty Much Everyone Is Sort-Of Famous

When I was a kid, my friends and I spent a summer building our own quarter-pipe, so we could bust out some tame, mild moves with our inline skates. It wasn’t much, but it was pretty cool in our little town. Of course, it was nothing compared to this waterslide, which made these dudes a worldwide topic of conversation. Every day there are more people in the world, most of whom carry a camera. Good luck getting more hits on your video than they did on theirs.

4. You’re Content

You smile a lot and have a good outlook. You make jokes, and go with the flow. But honestly, it doesn’t take much for you to feel content. As long as your WiFi is working when you get home, it’s all good. You work just enough hours to keep up on rent and bills, and any free time after that is wasted on either sleep or laying around watching TV until you fall asleep. Once in a while you go to a bar with a friend, but it’s really not much different than sitting at home and drinking. Being content and being happy are not the same thing, but it sure feels like it, huh?

5. An Intricate Web of Conspiracies

If big auto companies are willing to squash out electric cars, then why does it seem implausible that someone out there wants to keep you down as well? You’re a brilliant motherfucker, obviously, so how come no one has taken notice? Oh, they have, trust me. All the bigwigs are watching you, very carefully, which is why your start-up business failed, not to mention both your marriages. In all likelihood, your thoughts and ideas are being stolen and manipulated so future generations of wealthy capitalists can further exploit the working class, all in the name of progress! It seems as clear as day, so why won’t strangers on the bus listen to you?! Well, some day they’ll see….  Some day the world will know your name! (Assuming the government doesn’t imprison you first. Good luck with that.)

Photo from Wikimedia Commons.

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