Fuck The Facts is, from left to right: Topon Das, guitar; Marc Bourgon, bass/vocals; Mélanie Mongeon, vocals; Mathieu Vilandré, drums; Johnny Ibay, guitar. Photo by Dave Levitt.

These five helpful tips on surviving your metal band’s tour were compiled by Guest Blogger and Fuck The Facts drummer Mathieu Vilandré, a.k.a. Vil. Fuck The Facts is a metal band from Canada; check them out in Albuquerque on November 30 at the Blu Phoenix.

The travel mug

Don’t ever try the Poutine-flavored chips, it’s like eating a national tragedy.

Arguably one of the most essential road accessories, the travel mug’s versatile patented technology allows you to match the content of said mug to your current mood. Whether it be in the morning after a great three hours of sleep on a dog poo-infested floor or during an overnight drive to God-knows-where, Wyoming, the travel mug helps you start your day on the right foot and considerably lowers your chances of dying in a horrible van accident (if filled with coffee). Bonus features include, “Being able to finish that $8 Bud Light you just bought two minutes before leaving,” and “Fuck it, I’m putting soup in it.”

Mathieu Vilandré, drums; Marc Bourgon, bass/vocals. Photo courtesy of Fuck The Facts.

RUBA 535 (“Cream of the Gods”)

Mostly used by drummers, this science-defying cream will temporarily relieve pain caused by “I can’t hear myself and I’m hitting way too hard,” “Rudiments? What the fuck are rudiments?” or “Warming up and stretching is for losers.” Plus, you’ll smell aggressively good.

Earbuds/headphones

Because shut up already. Christ.

Mélanie Mongeon, vocals. Photo courtesy of Fuck The Facts.

Snacks

There is a close relationship between the amount of snacks consumed versus your level of irritability, particularly on long drives in desolated areas. The Gathering of the Chips, a well-documented tour phenomenon, takes place about every two hours depending on the nature of the truck stop at hand.

Don’t ever try the Poutine-flavored chips, it’s like eating a national tragedy.

Topon Das, guitar. Photo courtesy of Fuck The Facts.

Pop music you would never listen to normally

Combined with earbuds/headphones, pop music will soothe you right the fuck out. There is so much metal a person can handle, especially on tour. So get that new Kendrick Lamar album. You know it’s amazing. Hell, that last Katy Perry isn’t bad either. Have you seen her documentary? She knows how to tour.