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Dear Little Bobby: Conservative Culture Clash, and Down On Dog

Dear Little Bobby - Pyragraph

Got questions for Little Bobby? Send them to dearlittlebobby@pyragraph.com.


Dear Little Bobby,

I’m an artist, writer and filmmaker, and work in the creative sector. This automatically puts me in a certain category on the political spectrum, and also puts an expectation of taste in culture. As someone who is generally liberal, agnostic, and well-spoken, people around me get thrown for a loop when I talk about certain things I enjoy, such as: sports, guns, and Texas. My artistic hipster friends and business associates seem to become annoyed and rather perturbed by some of my views and certain “conservative” tendencies. Are these things I should keep to myself or are my friends just a bunch of closed-minded ninnies?

—Han Red Solo Cup (I Fill Up With Beer)


Dear Han Red Solo Cup,

I think that you should share what you want to share, and be prepared for reactions of all kinds.  As for your friends, they are free to do the same. Where conflict arises between myself and my conservative friends and family (let’s be honest…I don’t really have conservative friends, just family) is when one of us tries to “convert” the other.

I like to think that I am planting a seed when I share my pro-gay rights views with my family or when I say that I am for common sense gun laws. I would probably be “thrown for a loop” too if you brought up how much you “enjoy guns” in a conversation with me. It’s a free country and you are obviously free to “enjoy” guns, and you are also free to talk about enjoying them, but America is in the middle of an epidemic involving mass shootings and a topic like “enjoying guns” is sure to elicit strong opinions.

Over the years I have had many discussions about gun policy that did not end well, and some that did. Regardless of the outcome I think it is a very valuable discussion for all of us to have with each other. For example, I am a vegetarian but I’d rather support responsible hunting over anything that happens in a factory farm. Now YOU continue the conversation with me, and others, and let’s try to learn from each other.

—Little Bobby
May the Force be with you

Dear Little Bobby,

My girlfriend has a three-legged dog that is her constant companion. The girlfriend is really great, but the damn dog is always around giving me the stink eye. It’s distracting when I’m at my laptop, working (I’m a writer). But it’s even worse for our sex life. The other day we were in bed together when the dog jumped up interrupting the two of us. I pushed the dog off the bed and I swear that dog smirked at me then faked an injury better than a Manchester soccer player. Of course, this stopped everything, my girlfriend leapt to the dog’s aid and I just looked like an asshole. This dog has got to go! How do I get rid of him?

Style-Cramped in Cleveland


Dear Style-Cramped,

Maybe you “looked like an asshole” because your girlfriend loves a three-legged dog and you want to get rid of it! I mean, come on dude, it only has three legs! But, seriously, I’m trying to feel your pain.

I love dogs, but does that mean that I want a dog giving me the “stink eye” while I’m trying to have sex with its human? Hell no! My girlfriend moved in earlier this year and brought two little dogs. Add them to the two big dogs I already had, and we’ve got 16 dog paws in total—and YOU are having trouble with only three?!?

If you are serious about this girlfriend then you need to respect that she cares for this dog—AND you need to tell her how you feel. Compromise can be reached. Try being patient. Try making friends with her dog. Try putting the dog in the other room during foreplay, before the actual sex. For example, the other day my girlfriend had me on my hands and knees, wearing a collar, licking her boots…anyway…right in the middle of it, her little dogs started barking in the room and I had to stop and ask “Mistress, may I please put the little dogs outside? They are distracting me.” And because my girlfriend is awesome, she said “Do it dog! Do it slave!”  You see, it is just a matter of having clear, adult communication.

If that doesn’t work, it’s going to be tough for you. One time I decided to NOT continue pursuing a certain beautiful young woman because she wasn’t much of a “dog person”—as in, she didn’t seem to really like them at all. I could tell that not only was it going to affect me and my two dogs, but it also would affect my sex life. I mean, what would I do with MY leash?

—Little Bobby
16 paws…and counting!!!

Email your songwriting/creative/music/sex/social media questions to Little Bobby: dearlittlebobby@pyragraph.com.

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