Got questions for Little Bobby? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Little Bobby,
Chatting with my friends we started discussing our porn preferences. I expressed my taste for a variety of different styles, genres and fetishes—none of which I found very experimental in terms of what we’re exposed to in this day and age. My friends expressed disgust and a sort of amazement that I would watch these things. I thought I was in the norm in watching what is still heterosexual porn. I mean what if I had said that I sometimes watch gay porn? I think it’s healthy to explore one’s sexuality—is this not the normal school of thought amongst most straight males?
—Vexed Sex Stuff in PHX
Dear Vexed Sex Stuff,
Unfortunately it is NOT “the normal school of thought” amongst most straight males to explore, much less discuss their sexuality. If it were, I believe the world—and more specifically—American society, would be much better for it. For as much as we partake in judging other societies—say, traditional Islamic societies for being “repressed/suppressed”—in many ways we in this country are not much different. Yes we “allow” women to show their faces and their hair in public, and we even go so far as having such fucked-up phenomena as “Girls Gone Wild” and other so-called examples of “freedom,” but the truth is, we do not like to discuss or admit to being sexual beings in this country.
“We” use porn a LOT and do not talk about it. Even those of us who are open-minded enough to explore our sexuality, frequently do not discuss that exploration. A huge portion of straight males in this country devour porn in large quantities. To put it in perspective, the fact is that pornographic internet sites are visited more often than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter—COMBINED. Yet how often do we hear our friends and/or family mention looking at porn? I know that I hear “I watched Netflix all weekend” and “Did You see what ‘some celebrity’ tweeted?” plenty, but we do not seem to ever discuss what is taking up so much of our bandwidth on the internet.
The result is that we are keeping a lot of ourselves to ourselves. That is not inherently a bad thing. Privacy has many benefits. But look around at the society we have and you will see a LOT of people—specifically young men—who have no idea how to conduct themselves when it comes to sex. The results? At best we have generations of men who perform terribly in bed (they receive without giving), or they don’t perform at all (Exhibit A: Viagra). At worst, we have a culture of rape and sexual abuse (Exhibit B: James Deen, Bill Cosby, that Subway guy and any college campus).
I think that if your “friends” and you are discussing watching porn, that is a step in the right direction—but only if it is an honest discussion, meaning you’re ACTUALLY discussing what you all are ACTUALLY watching and why.
Back when I was watching a lot of porn, I remember throwing out gay references with my friends just as often as we were each throwing out heterosexual references, because for me, it WAS normal and I was not interested in being halfway honest. I also knew that if these people were actually my friends, they would accept me as I am.
Keep exploring and keep pushing others (with kindness) out of their complacency. It can be good for you and good for them. Your honestly might very well help others to be more open and honest as well. Which is a benefit for all.
Explores sex like Captain Picard explores space
Dear Little Bobby,
I’m an artist in Albuquerque, and am proud to be a part of the scene here. But I’ve found it’s hard to operate solely in a single field of artistry. For example, I want to write but I also love: filmmaking, photography and music. These are things I try to practice regularly, though I feel a bit spread thin, creatively. A jack-of-all-trades and master-of-none type situation. Do you think I should focus on one practice at a time or keep juggling these endeavors as such? Do you think it’s necessary in this day and age to be creatively multi-faceted?
—Duke of None in Albuquerque
Dear Duke of None in ABQ,
I’d recommend that you focus on those endeavors that feed your passion—or passions as it were. For me, my passions have ebbed and flowed throughout my life. I grew up constantly drawing with pencil and I used to think that I would draw forever—but other things like music have ended up filling my creative desires. I dabbled in painting and have always considered painting more, but to do so I would need the time, paint and most important of all: I would need to make the effort.
Then there’s music. I’ve ALWAYS enjoyed making music, almost constantly, depending on who I am playing with, what city I am currently living in and the way the music scenes in those cities fluctuate. I have enjoyed music so much that I eventually thought music would be my sole creative outlet. But then along came writing. Of course I started writing because I liked it and over time it has snowballed.
And now I write this advice column…but I still make music with my band. These are two things that I REALLY enjoy AND they fit in with my schedule, my relationships, etc.
Please follow YOUR heart. Since you feel like you are spreading yourself thin, definitely rethink where you are putting your energies but do not close the door on anything. Because sometimes the doors close all by themselves. I don’t think it’s “necessary” to be “multi-faceted” (as you put it), but most of us creative types have multiple passions. It certainly sounds like you do. Follow each one of them where they lead you. Sometimes they lead nowhere, but other times a completely unexpected door opens up—and you find yourself writing an advice column or something else that you never saw coming.
Open yourself. Don’t worry about the doors or window, just enjoy the view…and anything else that you find enjoyable in life.