Dear Little Bobby: Trapped With Right-Wing Radio, and Threesome With Dogs
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Dear Little Bobby,
The holidays are coming up, and my family is crazy. Common problem, right? Everyone’s family is, I know. We don’t live in the same town, but close enough that we’ll make the 13 hour drive to Grandma’s house together. Times are tight. No room in the pocketbook for air travel. So driving it is.
Maybe alone that’s not a bad thing, but there’s gonna be a lot of conservative radio happening. For 26 hours, total. They pay for this Rush Limbaugh service, for example. There’s also Glenn Beck, Michael Savage, etc. etc. etc. These are all names I wish I didn’t know.
I’ll be taking headphones, naturally, and perhaps even some discreet edibles containing a healthy amount of THC, but how else would you suggest I survive this car ride?
—Suffocated in Saint Paul
Dear Suffocated in Saint Paul,
Wow, I feel your pain. I generally do not travel to Texas, for the holidays, for similar reasons. However, I have had to endure similar circumstances in the past. It depends on the relationship that you have with your family and it depends on the relationship that you WANT to have with your family. Are you helping them by exposing them to another view point? Or are you just being confrontational for the sake of confrontation? THAT is a question that have I asked myself frequently when dealing with certain members of my own family.
I’m reminded of a time, years ago, when I was “trapped” in a car, while right-wing talk radio was discussing gay rights and gay marriage. I suddenly screamed out “I’M BISEXUAL!!! I’ve been gay before and I will be gay AGAIN, anytime I feel like it!!!” Then there was total silence in the car for quite a while. I’m glad that I did not have 13 hours left in the car, and I’m sure that my Mom was also glad that we were almost at our destination.
As I see it, you have a few options. You can A) sit there and listen to that hateful crap, while your bite your tongue. Although you might bite your tongue completely off at some point during those 13 hours, EACH WAY. Or you can take the opposite approach which is, B) you can put those headphones on and block it out, creating your own world. For me it would be podcasts about The Monkees, or podcasts about Star Trek, or the combination (and very hard to find) podcast about The Monkees…in space!
Or…this might be the most helpful/human solution: You can have a hybrid reaction. A little of both, which is, C) be the adult in the car and alternate between listening to what they want, maybe even interacting with them. That means you can call bullshit “bullshit.” But because you will be in this situation for a long time, instead of exclaiming “This is bullshit!” you could say, “Wow, this guy is pretty mean. Why is this person so afraid? Where is his compassion?” And THEN put your headphones on for a while, and listen to something, ya know, NOT hateful.
Just keep in mind that these people are afraid. The people who are promoting this right-wing fear based shit ARE AFRAID. And so are the people who buy into it. Anger will help no one. It will only make the situation worse. I once heard a wise person say, “You wouldn’t kick a wounded dog, would you?” So don’t “kick” these wounded, scared family members, so to speak. Try to love them. You might even be able to help them, although I would NOT count on it. Do not set yourself up for disappointment. 26 hours is, of course, a VERY long time.
—Little Bobby Tucker
Sometimes the headphones are just for show
Dear Little Bobby,
My boyfriend and I are looking into opening up our relationship—we’re especially interested in having MFF threesomes every once in a while. We’re doing a bunch of research (tons of Dan Savage questions read and podcasts listened to) and setting boundaries, and talking about what what we’d be into.
Here’s the thing: We have a lot of pets. And we sleep with them. They sleep in our bed. And the bed feels really full with just the two of us in it, plus the pets.
I know the solution, right? We just change the sheets before the threesome and lock the dogs out of the bedroom. But they’ll be lonely and annoying and bark and bark and scratch at the doors and create all sorts of distractions and probably ruin whatever threesome we end up arranging.
So here’s what I’m wondering: Do we just have to wait until our animals die before realizing our sexual fantasies?
—Perplexed in Pomona
P.S. Might have asked Dan Savage, but we know he is disgusted by dogs in the bedroom. We thought we might get a more sympathetic perspective from you.
First of all, congratulations on exploring whatever it is that you are exploring together, just be sure to keep researching and do NOT stop communicating openly and clearly with each other.
Secondly, I do LOVE dogs. I love them soooo damn much.
When I met my current girlfriend, I had two big dogs and she had two small ones. So when we became one big, new pack, we had to work out who was going to be where and when. For instance, the first time my girlfriend had me tied up, we had put all four dogs outside together and just when she was about to put the thing into the other thing we heard dogs screaming bloody murder so she quickly unchained me and we both ran out into the front yard (I was basically naked) and together we pulled dogs off of each other.
There wasn’t any real damage, just ruffled fur…and some blue balls. Anyways, for the second attempt, we started putting the big dogs outside and the little dogs in the kitchen, in kennels. That worked great except for one of the little dogs kept barking…and barking…and barking. And a barking dog in the kitchen can be a REAL distraction when you are in the bedroom, wearing a collar and being told to “bark like a dog.” So we tried many things such as turning the music up REALLY loud, and turning the music up REALLY REALLY loud! Anyways, after a few months of THAT, our new “pack” of puppies had mostly worked out their differences and we were able to go back to keeping all four of them outside during S&M, B/M, vanilla missionary, or whatever.
Try kennels in another room and/or try putting the critters outside of the house during the hour or hours of fun. Then turn the music up loud, drink some wine and have fun. Maybe let the dogs in when bedtime comes? Maybe some of them will have to sleep on the floor. (They’ll get over it.) Have you thought of a pet sitter? And getting a hotel room? The point is, if you want it to work, you can find a way.
Trial and error are definitely a part of this process. If it were me, and my girlfriend wanted to have a threesome with another beautiful girl and me, I would figure something out. And I sure as hell would not wait for pets to die off. Besides, who says that you won’t get hit by a bus or have a heart attack before Spot and Rover kick the bucket? Life is short and threesomes don’t happen every day.
AND don’t forget your partner and the third person. Keep communicating openly, clearly and honestly. Or else don’t bother with any of this. Good luck, you lucky dog.
—Little Bobby Tucker
Has four dogs and one girlfriend—or should I say, they have me
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