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Dear Little Bobby: Fanboy with Homemade Joy, and Old Faithful Between My Legs

Dear Little Bobby - Pyragraph

Got questions for Little Bobby? Send them to dearlittlebobby@pyragraph.com.

Dear Little Bobby…

Fan-made films based on copyrighted films are becoming more and more popular. Do you think that the big Hollywood studios are right to sue the creators of these fan films for copyright infringement? Or are these just fans expressing their fandom?

—Fanboy with homemade joy


Dear Fanboy,

I am such a huge Star Trek fan that I have an entire Star Trek room in my house. I love it all: the series, movies, toys, uniforms, etc. BUT for years I avoided watching the homemade fan films because I thought that they looked cheap and homemade, which they did. However, now there are some truly amazing fan films being made. They look incredible and make you forget that a big studio did NOT make millions of dollars in pure profit from what you are watching.

A gentleman named Alec Peters has been working on a movie called Star Trek: Axanar for years and, with help from other talented fans, he made a short pre-film called Prelude to Axanar. Please go watch it! It makes me want more! The Axanar team then set up a Kickstarter campaign asking for $100,000 to make a full-length film… then they raised over $600,000! Unfortunately, after years of very public hard work, guess which big studio decided to file a lawsuit? After years of kindly “allowing” fans to be fans, CBS and Paramount Pictures have decided that they don’t want “the little film that could” to be seen by the same fans which have given BILLIONS of dollars to CBS and Paramount.

Maybe the studios are nervous that fans are starting to produce material that surpasses their own watered-down Hollywood crap, the kind of crap they seem to expect me to either pay for or sit through Viagra commercials for. Who wants to watch Survivor Season 18: Abandoned in Alabama with me? Huh? Who wants to join me in watching celebrities eat bugs, followed by pharmaceutical commercials to cure indigestion? We can make it into a game, one where we try to decide which one is the crappy commercial and which one is the crappy TV show, right?

But Little Bobby, what about their precious? What about their copyright?

I would like for CBS to explain why they are attacking one particular fan film and not hundreds, possibly thousands, of others? Is it because of the Kickstarter being so successful? Is it because CBS/Paramount now feels that those $600,000 are dollars that cannot be added to the hundreds of millions of dollars they will make on the next Star Trek movies/series?

I am a creative, and I do not want people ripping off my music or my writings, but I felt no shame in buying a $15 bootleg T-shirt in the parking lot after I saw Pink Floyd (twice) considering I had just spent $70 buying two “official” shirts inside, not to mention the $200 I spent on tickets (in addition to dozens and dozens of albums and DVDs).

These lawsuits are CORPORATIONS doing what CORPORATIONS do. This has nothing to do with CBS making art. I support artists. I still buy music and support bands I love by seeing them on tour, buying shirts/albums, spreading the word. After all, The Beatles never filed a lawsuit against The Monkees. They embraced and supported them. They recognized the talent and despite the obvious, purposeful similarities, John Lennon himself praised the uniqueness of The Monkees, specifically, their humor.

I say we all support Star Trek: Axanar, and CBS can go back to making “reality” shows five nights a week, forever. Paramount should be glad that they will still get my $50 when they release Star Trek: Beyond this summer (hopefully I’ll see it over and over, IF it is any good). Mr. Peters is not getting rich from this fan film. However, when the new Star Trek television series premiers in 2017, guess who is charging money to watch it on a subscription basis? CBS.

Dear CBS, you guys (yes, of course you are mostly white men) are kind of acting like dicks. Can you just take our money and leave us Trekkies alone?

—Little Bobby Tucker

“Imagine a world where innovation and imagination are valued.” —The Roddenberry Foundation

Dear Little Bobby,

You seem at least somewhat sexually liberated. I am a young woman who has been blessed (or maybe I should say cursed) with very strong female ejaculations. I want to be happy and proud of my body, and the natural things that it does, but I am single at the moment and my ex-boyfriend was totally freaked out by me squirting. I started to feel more shame about this. Another time, a guy I was starting to date freaked out about it. He thought I was peeing all over the place! 

How can I bring up this topic with new sexual partners? I don’t want them to be caught off-guard. Or should I just invest in plastic bedsheets and pleasure myself?

-Old Faithful between my legs


Dear Old Faithful,

There are much worse things to have between your legs, like an ungrateful man, for example. I think that any guy would be fortunate to have you, and this part of you, in their life. For starters, humans will be much happier when we, as a species, finally get over our weird sex issues and truly open up to each other (and ourselves) about our bodily functions.

Since you have already learned that such a powerful—let’s be honest—EXPLOSION can really catch an uninitiated guy off guard, I would absolutely address this ahead of time. However, it does not have to be like, “Damn, I have to warn this new guy beforehand!” I would do it like this: When making out with a guy (or even just talking over dinner and drinks, bring the subject up. Make it light-hearted with, “What kind of stuff are you into?” Put the ball in his court. After he answers, take the ball back and tell him what you are into.

We usually do this kind of thing subconsciously when we are getting to know someone new anyway. The way he answers the question will help you decide whether you even want to be sexual with him to begin with. I mean, does he seem boring? Does he respond with, “Yeah you know, I like blowjobs and stuff”? If so, I think you can do better than some who is that self-absorbed. Or maybe he is just a shy guy and you will be the one to liberate him from his awkwardness through communication, jokes, sex, love and much more.

You have nothing to feel shame about. Just have compassion for people and realize that most humans, especially young Americans, are NOT educated about their own sexuality, much less the sexuality of another person with different sex organs. On top of all of that pure ignorance, the media would have you (and the guys you date) believe that there is no such thing as a female ejaculation, to the point where some women who experience this do not even know what it is.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts on this. I do not want to seem like I am mansplaining a female body function. I am a big fan of not only the female ejaculation, but of people empowering themselves, exploring themselves and sharing. That is why, when my now girlfriend asked me on our fourth date, “What kind of fetishes are you into?” I said “All of them.”  She almost did not believe me. But I told her, “As long as it does not involve an animal, or child, or hurting someone (in a “bad” way), then I am INTO it!” I figured that telling her my few turn-OFFs would be a LOT easier than listing every one of my turn-ONs. I saved that for our fifth date.

Keep being you, Old Faithful. Maybe instead of thinking about it as the famous Old Faithful gusher, you could rename it The Fountain Of Youth. Besides, it does wonders for the skin.

—Little Bobby Tucker

“Everything you do is success, make the rules, then break them all ’cause you are the best” —Prince, “Cream,” 1991

Email your female ejaculation/creative/music/sex/Star Trek questions to Little Bobby: dearlittlebobby@pyragraph.com.

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