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Dear Little Bobby,
My mother and I had a somewhat difficult relationship. After her death last year, this recent Mother’s Day was very hard on me. What are some creative ways for me connect with my feelings and to honor those feelings as well as honoring my mother?
—Mother Nature’s son
Dear Mother Nature’s son…
My eyes filled with tears this past Mother’s Day when I went online and read so many beautiful words regarding so many beautiful mothers. Some of them living and some of them dead. Some people were grieving the loss of their mothers. Other people have difficultly with Mother’s Day because they have been unable to have children of their own, for various factors. We also know that for some people, if they had the choice, they would choose a do-over on their entire childhood, maybe even a different mother altogether.
The Kadampa Meditation Center that I attend teaches us that every living being has been our mother through countless lifetimes. Whether we believe in reincarnation or not, this teaching can be powerful. When put into practice, this means that the compassion we have for our own mother is the compassion we could have for strangers on the street, or even our perceived “enemies.”
Whenever you see a child without enough to eat, when we see a dog in a shelter that wants to be loved, when we see a stranger on the street who needs a hand, that feeling in our heart is the Mother which flows through each of us. Sometimes we resist it. Our ego stiffens and we rebuke the kindness in our own hearts. Other times we recognize ourselves in that child. We see OUR dog in THAT dog. We see the woman who gave birth to us when we look into the eyes of a stranger.
It is in these unguarded experiences that our ego loses its grip on perception and we are free to experience this life without anger and fear. Without the ignorance of self-cherishing. If we see the woman who kindly carried us in her body for nine months—in everyone—we will cherish them. In this way, we are honoring our mother. When we honor others, we honor her. This is the clearest way to connect with her and to connect with yourself. Even if our mother left us for dead, this practice of honoring others is beneficial. And anyone that harms or neglects their own child, is clearly in need.
Gratitude is another practice which can connect you to yourself and to her. Despite what difficulties you and you mother experienced, you had a relationship. Many people do not even have that. So, gratitude. Gratitude for the difficulties. Gratitude for the opportunities that you had and are still experiencing.
If you want to connect to the difficulties, do THAT: write, sing, paint, scream. Whatever you do, try to do it safely, without hurting others. Art is perfect for this. But first connect with yourself (and her) though gratitude, through giving to others and by living life connected to Love.
—Little Bobby Tucker
—“It’s a livin’ thing, It’s a terrible thing to lose
It’s a givin’ thing, What a terrible thing to lose” —Electric Light Orchestra, “Livin’ Thing,” 1976
Dear Little Bobby,
After a few years of being with my partner, our sex life has gotten into a rut. We keep doing the same ol’, same ol’. I guess I’m looking for some creative ideas of how to spice it up, but also, how do I bring up those ideas with my partner?
—Lukewarm in Cleveland
So how long have you been married? Just kidding, I would suggest everything from role-playing/sex-toys to sexual therapy. Therapy comes in many forms, not only for those with a problem but also for those looking for spice. The key is to communicate and explore. Explore each other. Explore yourselves and your surroundings. If you get some good sex therapy it will not only dramatically improve your sex life but it will also benefit the other parts of your life, everything from managing stress better to having a healthier heart. Those are some of the benefits from having a full, expressive sex life.
But what to DO? Answering that will take some time. You must ask yourself what you are looking for sexually and what you are looking to get from your sex life.
But FIRST, ask your partner what they/he/she is interested in sexually. Even though you say you have been together for a few years, I am sure there are things that you still do not know about each other, and this includes sexual desires. I am 40 years old and I have been actively exploring my own sexuality since puberty. Despite all of that exploration I am still discovering things about my own tastes, desires and attitudes involving sex. The possibilities truly are limitless.
Maybe you know that you are into something REALLY kinky, and are afraid or ashamed to bring it up to your partner. If this is something that you want to pursue, and if you are sure that you want to be with this person, then I suggest bringing the topic up. You will only be doing both of you a favor. Maybe after a meal and a drink? Maybe go camping, talk to each other away from the hassle and routine of life. Explore each other. Maybe write it in a letter, or a text if you prefer that. If they are open to the possibilities, then that bodes well. If they do not seem to be open, then you can contemplate whether this kink is something that you can do without, or if maybe this is not the partner for you. Only you can answer that.
Life is short. I recommend grabbing it by the horns and experiencing it to the fullest, whether that means sticking “WHAT? WHERE?” or if that means discovering tantric sex with a sex doll while your partner squeezes your neck and calls you pathetic—it is all fine as long as that is what you are into.
Not only am I a BIG fan of roleplaying, another favorite are the sex-toys. Vibrators can be very affordable from the cheap little black ones that take one battery or they can be pricey like the ones which are so large and complex they look like they contain a factory filled with Oompa Loompas. Neither one will be satisfying unless you like it. Remember, trial and error is your friend. Find a nice adult shop in your area, one where the employees are open, friendly and willing to answer questions as well as give recommendations. Also try researching online topics such as, What are the best sex toys? and check out Amazon’s customer review section on adult products. Be smart. Be safe. Communicate openly and have fun.
—Little Bobby Tucker
“Then we made love for five or six hours, ’til the sun came up” —Shoulder Voices, “Sex and Regret,” 2016