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Dear Little Bobby,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. Every time we have sex he loses his erection. We can never switch positions because he knows he will fall out and I can obviously tell too. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to have sex anymore. I try to avoid it because I do not want to get my hopes up again. He says it’s because when he was in the army he took steroids and then to stay hard he would take pills kinda like Viagra. Now I have an even bigger insecurity when it comes to sex and I want to cry. I told him to go see a doctor but he’s in such deep denial that he just makes excuses. Why doesn’t he want to go find out what the problem is?
—Sexy And Fed Up
Dear Sexy And Fed Up,
If this is important to you and not to him, you have a problem much bigger than erectile dysfunction. A few things could be happening. Maybe he is using those drugs again? Or others? I do not know if he is a liar or not but it does not sound like he is too concerned with YOUR needs. Aside from that, there could be a physical reason. Which means maybe he could try something as simple as a cock ring, which are made for maintaining erections. It is just a ring that goes at the base of the penis and keeps the blood in it. Or maybe he needs a different kind of stimulus. And that is not a reflection on you. Please try to understand this.
that is not a reflection on you. Please try to understand this.
Sometimes I lose my erection after an hour or two of sex, because of being tired or alcohol, or whatever, so I add a different stimulus. Usually I stop, regroup, start kissing her feet or something else really kinky which gets me aroused again. He could try that or something more intense like stimulating his prostate with a dildo or fingers. That is a turn-on for many men. Your boyfriend might not be willing to do THAT—but I would tell him it’s either THAT or something else needs to happen, like him getting help. Or, something else WILL happen, like losing you.
Another possibility is that there are emotional reasons. He may have been physically or emotionally abused and that is affecting him, perhaps in conjunction with the effects of drug use. Again, that is something he needs to get help with, whether through meditation, primal therapy, seeing a sex therapist or an erection specialist or some other help. Perhaps you can also help him. Whether you CAN help him or not depends on what his issues are.
All of that aside, I would say a few things are in order. First, he needs to be open to trying new things whether that is role play, dressing up, trying different positions, S&M, toys, etc. Vary the stimulation. Secondly, he needs to want help and he needs to get help. If not, what he is really saying is that he doesn’t care about this enough to do anything about it. He needs to immediately fucking realize that this is not all about him. Does he take care of you sexually? If not, why the hell not? After he loses his hard-on, is he willing to help you have an orgasm with his mouth or fingers or a vibrator? Is he willing to kiss your feet or nipples while YOU get yourself off? If the answer is “no,” then I wonder why you are even with him because that would mean he is really selfish.
Again, if he does not want to get help, I would break up with him, not because he loses his erections but because he does not care enough about you to address your concerns. If you want great sex and are truly fed up with this, please address this situation.
—Little Bobby Tucker
“Sometimes I feel like going down…but when it’s good, it’s really good.” —John Lennon “It’s So Hard” 1971